Today is my birthday.
I’m 36 years young. I say young because I’ve learned only a fraction of what’s out there in this vast Universe.
Today I woke up smiling. I realized that outer conditions do not need to dictate my emotional state anymore.
My emotional body; however, is still adjusting to this new belief.
It got me thinking about lessons; how some of the toughest lessons we learn are our greatest gifts.
One lesson that I’ve learned; it’s not about what’s on the outside that counts, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Logically when I read that statement above, I say, yeah for sure, it’s what I was taught as a child. But to actually APPLY that lesson to life is another story.
I notice that I ebb and flow with the tides of my life instead of being an anchor.
Allowing outer conditions to dictate how I feel has been the story of my life. I would allow other people’s emotions to dictate my own, I would allow the outcome of circumstances in my life to dictate how I would feel – whether it’s someone cutting me off in traffic, someone saying something that I interpret as mean or nasty, or whether it’s something in the world that happens that upsets me. If my expectations of my life weren’t met, if my expectations of myself weren’t met in the outer world – those would impact me as well.
During this time in my life, I’ve learned that I may lose the ability to have children, and if I don’t, I may have a child with Fragile X Syndrome. I’ve also been laid off twice. My house is never really clean and organized, and I’m currently overweight.
Needless to say, my expectations for my life have fell short.
I’ve cried about it, several times. I’ve also said affirmations until I was blue in the face. I’ve told myself countless times that if this changed, if that changed, then I would be happy.
Up until now I’ve failed to see the inherent lesson in all of this.
That I needed to go deep within me and become aware of my core self. The self that never dies, never changes; the self that is eternal. That self never ebbs and flows with life, that self knows herself through and through. That self is love, and is always connected to the Source that created her.
All of this disappointment, feelings of failure and low self worth was so that I could go within and discover the truth of my very being. And to love that truth; my true self.
I think it is when we are at the depths of our despair, when we feel that our lives are falling apart, that is when we are called to see our truth. That none of the outer appearances are who we truly are, that our value doesn’t lie with our egoic expectations, but that it lies solely with our souls.
From now on I have decided to love the truth of who I am. I will love myself even if I continue to struggle, even if my expectations aren’t met, even if the dreams that I once had will never come true, no matter what happens in my life, I have decided to love me, no matter what it looks like. The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.
This is likely the greatest gift that I will ever receive in this life – the opportunity to return to myself. To love and appreciate the very creation that I am. For this, I am grateful.
(Originally written on May 22nd, 2016)