Spilt Milk

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Remember the saying, “don’t cry over spilt milk?” I do. It seems like a euphemism to me, like, don’t let small things get to you.

I thought about this saying as I looked back on certain patterns in my life. Funny thing is I remember literally crying over spilt milk in my childhood.

My mother was, and still is, very particular about her household. I can remember a few times where I spilt milk on the floor and her yelling and getting really angry with me about it. I remembered feeling scared of her anger and guilty for what I had done. I don’t blame her in any way for this; I upset her world. I now see that having a clean and orderly house was her way of having some control in her life.

For me, it was the first time that I started believing that I wasn’t good.

That I’m no good.

No parent sets out for their child to learn something like that about themselves. That’s why I could never blame my mother for this; she simply had no idea how her reactions would impact me.

Since that time, I’ve been wearing the belief that ‘I’m no good’ like an old pair of torn shoes that I refuse to take off, even though I know it’s time to throw them out. But old, worn shoes are easy to spot; beliefs like these are a bit harder to see. They don’t usually surface, at least for me, until something triggers them.

(As an aside – perhaps that’s when those beliefs are ready to be changed)

The trigger for me was during a meditation recently; I have been trying to value and appreciate the person that I am. This has always been a struggle for me, having grown up in a household where achievements were valued over everything else. I was attempting to appreciate something about myself when I got that awful churning feeling in my stomach – usually a sign that my emotions and mind just aren’t lined up.

So I decided to explore the feeling in my stomach and that’s when this belief that, I’m no good, hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had to ask myself – how has that belief manifested itself in my life thus far? How many situations have I attracted that have only affirmed that belief over and over again?

When faced with a false belief, one has a choice; either to continue to believe it or to change it.

My logic mind went to work right away and said – uh duh, change it! This time; however, it wasn’t so easy. I’ve had the experience where beliefs that no longer served me shifted when I became aware of them. This one; however, is proving to be a bit pesky. It’s still lingering.

I haven’t yet been able to truly see my value. That if I don’t achieve or accomplish anything in this life, I feel worthless.

I can see how that’s even reared it’s ugly head in my life; no matter what I’ve accomplished so far, it’s felt like a big fat zero. No matter what I accomplish, if I don’t or haven’t yet been able to meet expectations that I had set out for myself, I ultimately feel worthless. Meeting past expectations don’t matter either; it’s essentially like trying to fill an endless pit. Do I honestly want to keep believing that I must seek my value outside of me? That the only possible value that I could have is by achieving things?

Always seeking the outside to validate the inside.

I remember Oprah’s Lifeclass episode with Rev. T.D Jakes. I loved what he asked the audience – he said “What do you add to the room?” I find myself asking myself that question a lot lately – what do I add to the room? And more specifically, why haven’t I been valuing what I add to the room?

If Source exists within everything, maybe I could start by valuing Source within myself.

I suppose that’s a good start.

Picture reference: http://res.freestockphotos.biz/pictures/3/3637-illustration-of-glass-of-milk-spilling-pv.png

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